confessions of an action movie buff

2008-03-18T22:53:00.001-07:00

I crave for action movies. In fact, my appetite for these has reached a higher level. Insatiable.

I could not clearly remember how I started to develop a strong and intense desire for action movies. Since I was a child (you don’t have to comprehend the dialogues to really understand what the movie is all about, action speaks louder than words) I am fascinated by it especially those packed with raining bullets and bombs (wars), bloody combats (the bloodier, the better), flying kicks (impressive martial arts skills), gravity-defying stunts, super destructive and cunning spies (the license to kill), crude and primitive weapons, weapons of mass destruction, murders… in short, violence. Hey, I am not a violent person. As far as my mental and emotional state are concerned, I am perfectly stable. I do not suffer from a battered childhood, I can process thoughts logically, I do not have the inclinations to kill, I have a beautiful home, I lead a peaceful life and my parents love me … I am normal.

My very loving friends, on the other hand, do not understand this fascination of mine. They find my taste barbaric. They say I’m odd (they say so; mainly because I am a female specie). I have also been the subject of their ridicule. Like when they blatantly say, “Yuck! You are so baduy!”, “Ngee. Kakuyaw gud nimug taste”. Translation: I pity you for your poor taste. Then, I hear them giggling behind my back. Although I’ve developed a defense mechanism for this kind of situation, I feel bad sometimes. Why? Is it a mortal sin to indulge in this kind of stuff? Are we not capable of violence also? As a desperate attempt to lighten up my already stooping morale, I recite to myself the ‘I-do-not-care-if –they-find-me-weird’ litany. And besides I don’t want to suffer watching a ‘cheesy’ movie (my friends’ preference) because honestly, I can’t stand it. I’ll probably die of a cardiac arrest. I just love action movies. I love the violence in it- and the excitement I get from it.

Perhaps the best explanation for my undying love for action movies is the satisfaction I gain from it. Seeing all those violent scenes brings out in me a feeling of elation. A kind of feeling that I can equate with transcendentalism or as what dear Longinus would say, ‘the Sublime’. Call it bizarre. But when I find myself so engross watching an action movie that I cannot take my eyes off from the screen, I savor the moments when I feel so completely involved- as manifested by the oozing perspiration on my forehead, hands and armpits, the erratic beating of my heart, the butterflies in my stomach, the cursing that would just blurt from my mouth - or simply being carried away. These moments of elation offer me a sense of satisfaction or completeness as if part of my soul has been touched and I’ve temporarily reached a state of elevation and climax.

I do not wish to promote violence though. I only feel that the violence I love to see in a movie (definitely not in a real situation) is a manifestation of my inner desire to be spared by the conventional view of the society I belong to. I am not promoting myself either when I say that the people in the society I’m in regard me like a saint. It’s true. They think of me as the good daughter, a devout Christian, and a gentle natured lady (yes, the ‘di-makabasag-pinggan’ image). It’s hard to live by these expectations when I know that I am as human as everybody is. I sin. I commit mistakes. I am capable of destruction. I am not perfect. Though my calm facade would give them the impression that I’m good, gentle, kind or God-fearing, I am more than that and much more complex. I am hindered in letting go of my other human qualities because of the imposed norms. I want to get out. I want to break free.

My view of violence still hasn’t changed. It’s still something that is negative and is totally departing from the natural order of things. It’s chaotic, wild, uncontrollable, and brutal. It’s just a sweet addiction for me, really.

But isn’t it not what describes some of the realities that we are facing nowadays?

silentsanctuary

confessions of an action movie buff